Tuesday, 8 April 2008

Thinking out loud...

So, I've been thinking lots about my last post. And Banj got me thinking that I should write more.

Its hard though you see. Because its only my take on things. And as Banj and I agreed, its not everyone's way. And nor should it be.

And...its really personal.

But Banj's comment mixed in with something else too. About three years ago, I had my last bout of depression. Whilst I was going through it, a friend gave me a book to read. I don't think all that highly of these self-help books. I find that they can sometimes take the issue outside of yourself. Plus they can even make the problem worse. The whole industry of these damned books is based on fear and a lack of control - my depression at the time did enough in that direction without then having to add to it. And then pay for the privilege!

So this book that I was given has been on my bookshelf for a few years, and I'm happy to say that the depression that has shadowed me all through my teenage years and adult life is now gone. Or at least, its there and always will be, but I can now recognise the warning signs and deal with it before it even really starts.

But there's a whole array of things which are really deeply personal to me. And the topic that was kinda touched on in my last post is one of them.

But I'm scared to go there so publicly. Who wouldn't be?

But then I was thinking. And this book came to mind again. Not really related at all. But it is.

Its all about control. A massive topic. And I'm not going to go into any depth in this post.

But...this blog. Its one way for me to have control you see. Not over anyone. Just over my thoughts. An outlet. Its control of a sort. And I'm facing my fear, one of them anyway and through that, controlling it.

Control...it can touch on so many things. And can be practised or misused in 1001 ways and situations. It seems to me these days...we're overwhelmed with so much that both our internal and external feelings of control...over who we are, where we're going, the voice of ourselves in our head, the media, our jobs, our relationships, politics, the world stage, our emotions and and and....well, they just can't keep up anymore.

Looking back now, the whole and very general issue of control has been a major thread through my life. And fear. Because the majority of us fear what we can't control. And that fear gets fed through so many things. The fear grows, the control lessens. And the less of a feeling of control that I have, the more my fear grows. An ever decreasing circle until you land at the bottom of a dark hole.

This book that I've been given, Harriet Rubin's "The Princessa. Machiavelli for Women", I picked it up today and...well, its in German and so will take a little longer than usual...I'm going to read it. Its all about taking control. Of yourself. Of your thoughts and your actions. Our choices are not always the ones that we would prefer, but that we still have control over how we react. And of course, HOW to do this. I'm more interested in the thoughts behind it than the actual "how", but....we shall see.

And I shall write about this whole topic. And I'm going to be brave and open myself up about it all. I shall write about the emotional side, the political side (I'm a total lefty btw and am convinced that "they" are there), the relationship side (friends, boss and family), and yes...the D/s side. Because in my opinion (and that's all that this will ever be, my opinion, not world fact), giving up aspects of control to The Boss, does not absolve me of responsibility. Not one tiny bit. It makes my responsibility, and need for control over all aspects of myself, all that much more important and relevant. There are those who take on a submissive attitude and role...so that they don't have this self-responsibility or need for ANY control. I have to think about that aspect before I write anything about it. At the moment I feel that that's a bad direction to go in, but...

Control and fear are also heavily linked to responsibility. To yourself. And towards others.

At the end of the day...this blog is primarily there for me. For me to practise writing in itself and to try and be a little creative in my own way. But I wanted more from it too. I don't for one minute think that my thoughts and ideas will solve the world's problems. But I do have this silly, partially romantic thought, that posts on these topics, garnered a lot from all of my life's experiences, SL included, well...who knows? Maybe one tiny sentance may help someone. Even if it just makes them smile, or chuckle, or even touch a chord.

1 comment:

Banjac Serevi said...

Hi Poppy

This post is the sort of thing that sets you apart. Scary, deep, revealing stuff. I am looking inside you and that is a weighty responsibility of its own. Me and responsibility do not sit well - Banj is lightweight - but happy enough with it mind.

Keep it up babe, you make it almost worth going to work and switching the PC on...... Almost mind. I'd still stay at home if I did not need the money.... But then I could be in SL more...tempting...