Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas everyone and warm wishes for time spent with family, friends and loved ones.

Lots for me to tell you about, but it will have to now wait until later in the week as I am off for a few days. And hopefully a white Christmas, yipee!

If we don't catch up by the 31st, then I wish you all the best for 2009 and hope that its a good year for you!

Kisses from pops

A relationship through choice or one with obligation. If you love someone and they place no obligation on your shoulders - it means no less of an obligation. Loving someone brings its own responsibilities. In you are with someone where there are stronger obligations - the ties are perhaps also stronger and deeper. And you still have the choice.

Thinking this evening...

Each relationship is filled with the sound of words not uttered.

In one kind of relationship, we keep our mouths shut as we don't want to hurt the other, but mainly in order to forge out some room for our own selves and thoughts.

In the other kind of relationship, we leave some things unsaid in order to protect the relationship, which can sometimes be at a cost to ourselves.

The silence in either instance can be hard for someone like me. But I understand the necessity of the unspoken. It gives messages in itself.

I know that in my case, from both sides, its the silence of a snow storm - calming, blanketing and safe. This type of quiet, the second kind, is the one that also allows us the opportunity to be ourselves. Which in turn lets out a slow trickle of trust and openness to say the things which are normally left unsaid and buried.

It doesn't work when its the other way around. "Romantic" Poppy knows what relationship she would like and what she has.

*takes her hat off

to the Americans.

Thank you.

I will admit that I hoped, but wasn't convinced that it would happen. But it did. I wasn't sure that you had it in you in enough numbers. But you did.

Last night, America just started to get back some of the respect that it lost in the last years.

A truly historic and defining moment which made me proud to be part of the human race and a chance for something great.

Of course, nothing will improve overnight and it'll be a hard slog and there will be some unpopular decisions, but at least there is someone who is actually leading and who has his head screwed on right at a human level. To achieve anything at all, you first have to dream.

Bloody amazing result.

:))

Sorry, I have to add...

...that seeing McCain on TV just now doing his "The Mac is back" routine made my skin crawl.

Eurgh!

A 70+ man saying something like that is kinda gross.

Waiting with baited breath...

Ohhhh...I'm taking a break from watching the news and thought that I would give a sign of life ;)

Two big things going on at the moment. Of course, the US elections are (marginally) more important that waiting for M Linden's announcement tomorrow in regards the Openspace Sim pricing fiasco.

But both have me involved.

My hopes...Obama to win (please please please please please, do the right thing America!!!) and that M Linden also does the right thing and backs down (at least a bit) from the ridiculous 66% tier increase (and for no more prims or improved performance).

Both will make my Wednesday very happy :))

Ohh...coverage has just restarted...only 3 or so hours to go until the first results are in. Must dash!

England vs. Germany, Wednesday 19th November

Just to be typical Poppy and go waaaay off topic (that being SL), I wanted to tell you (read: brag) about the fact that I got my mits on some tickets to see England play Germany in November!!!

Wooohoooo!

Now bear in mind that within 8 minutes of going on sale all internet sites where you could buy tickets had crashed due to demand.

I am REALLY happy!

Ok, I've paid nearly double the going rate and its cost me a bloody fortune, I don't care!

I will be in the Berlin Olympic Stadium freezing my bottom off whilst watching THE friendly of the year!

*giggles in excitement

Ok, most of you probably don't watch football at all, but I'm thrilled!

And as long as it doesn't end up 0:0, the money will have been worth it.

Coz being half German and half English I shall win either way.

Poppy and 74, 599 others (mostly men I hasten to add ;D)...its gonna be bloomin marvellous!

Mash-Up

Ohh...I'm a little shy and nervous about sharing this with you.

I've had a few conversations throughout my time in SL about the SL / RL mash-up. There are some who take it as it comes and see SL as a part of their RL and others who, while accepting that they are physically sat at their computer, say that never the twain shall meet.

I'm sat firmly in the former camp.

I sit in front of my lappy and my actions and reactions in SL are directly representative of how I would act in that situation. Simple as that. I don't "role-play".

But that still doesn't mean that my lives have mashed.

The way in which lives are aspects of one another come through the emotions and their impact. I have, through my friends and their stories and their words to my story, gained an enourmous amount which I take out with me into the outside world. My lives are most certainly not seperate and I'm glad for that.

I don't share detailed real information with just anyone and am very careful about that. In over one and a half years of SL I think that there are only 3 people who know my full name, job and home address.

But the sharing of these details don't define the mash-up. I stand by my feeling that its the emotional impact.

Since I have started this blog, I have been together with The Boss. Friends come and go, as they do in rl, and some of the closest ones are still hanging on in there with me too.

These people and I talk about aspects of our real lives; we talk about our thoughts and feelings to things which occur in both realms. I think of these people when I am not online and I cannot see their pixelated representatives.

I find it ridiculous and faintly disturbed to be so adament that someone doesn't "mix" RL and SL.

Not my worry I guess, sure.

And yes, those who know of my life will know that I've gone that mad step further and met up with someone from SL.

This is indeed a step which many would baulk at and rightly so. Regardless of the state of RL and regardless of how happy you are to show yourself in SL, taking this step is a damned big one.

But bloody hell am I glad that I took that step! When the chemistry was there, when so much was felt, when the sound of a voice was no longer enough. I met someone.

To tell you how it was, I can't do it justice. Photos had been swapped. But more, I feel out of necessity to not walk passed one another when meeting. I find photos a ridiculous way of knowing if you fancy someone physically or not - a snapshot shot of a split second taken totally out of context. It was almost pointless anyway, I wanted him for him, the person who I spoke to, who was the one person, the first person who ever truly *heard* me.

Of course I was scared to hell that I would see him and not *recognise* him. And you will be hard pressed to ever find a more bizarre situation than to be stood opposite someone whom you have shared your most deep thoughts and emotions with, yet have never truly looked into their eyes. We had never cammed. I'm not quite sure why not, but I hate camming to be honest, so maybe that's mainly why.

We talked, after flights had been booked and logistics organised, a lot. Both nervous of course, but still smiling and going with the "what the hell, its gone too far almost not too" train of thought. Me....I couldn't have borne not to know. To look back and think "what if?".

So we met...and that moment? I felt outside of myself. To all those who meet and there is a thunderbolt and you fall in love again in that second - I'm happy for you. It didn't happen that way for me.

I was scared - its the beginning of something already established (an oddity in itself) or the end of something which you started to live into.

Voices sound different when heard live, movements and characteristics are vastly different than photos or even video cam. But now, you have the ability to touch the other. Its overwhelming. Connecting my senses, bringing this person together. And all the normal personal insecurities.

I'm happy to say that the person who I met was exactly the person who I knew and adored from SL. Gentle, fun, tender and teasing. Respectful and flirting. My god, he's flirting with me! Internal soaring and grinning, now I can take my time and fall into this...coz he fancies me! Still the same language used and my god, how beautifully rich and nuanced his voice and movements are, I could watch him for days. More importantly than all that, was the luxury of being able to sit with him in a cafe and watch the world go round and not have to speak. To be that comfortable, to not have that time pressure. Sitting and not speaking in SL doesn't have quite the same quality. lol. To have his hand holding mine or stroking the base of my neck. These idle and so important gestures which we normally take for granted. At moments I could barely breath. I never told him that.

Obviously, the question which everyone always wants answering....I'm not going to go into detail. But the first kiss....it was real. It wasn't the kiss of movies. But it made my stomach flip and it was real and it was the first moment that I tasted him and the start of being able to smell his skin. Those all important elements missing from SL. I'm still waiting for the Jira for the scratch-n-sniff Beta grid. It will get my vote in a second. The fact that he let me come to him, as he always does. No pushing or dragging, just a firm and steady and confident hand. Ok, half a bottle of wine helped me with my confidence. And the ludicrous situation with the mosquitoes and the group of 14 yrs olds who decided to mess about on our part of the beach instead of anywhere else on the rest of the 13km long beach. The moment when they asked him to take a group photo of them was a classic slapstick comic moment, but one which was perfect. It was real.

And of course, there is the other aspect, one which truly fascinates those in my near circles in which I rotate of BDSM....did we or didn't we?

*smiles...I'm not ruining your meal or coffee break with unnecessary details, sorry. I shall just smile and nod and say that nothing changed.

So all this was quite a few months ago. We got back home. True RL hit again. I was devastated to leave. Time was too short. After week of being home again, I had managed to fish enough of his reactions from him to be able to tell him that I wanted to see him again. And this with the man who I can say anything at all to. God, the experience knocked me for six. Thankfully he wanted to too.

But wanting isn't the same as getting and life doesn't dish up our dreams on a plate. Thank god in that case for SL where we can still be close to one another at least in some way.

Its a journey with hard paths. I can't remember the smell of his skin. That hurts me as I remember several moments where I inhaled and spoke to myself in my head to hold that moment. The palms of my hands sometimes actually itch with the need to have contact with his skin. At times I could cry with need. Not even of a sexual kind, but just to be with him. But I don't. Because I know that there will be another time.

And then my RL took on a, for some of the nay-sayers at least, positively strange turn. As he and I looked at, designed and ordered a collar. Its either a reflection to some as to how low I've sunk (lolol) or else its a sign of how real and deeply this man and I care about one another. It feels good. Its right for us both. That's all that counts.

This post was actually going to be about my collar, but then I felt that for those who don't know me or my story, it possibly needed some background. And I wanted a chance to go back in my memories too I guess.

When it arrived, I tried my collar on and showed it over cam (one of only 2 times on cam I think, strange), and since then it resides under my pillow until the time when the right person can put it around my neck.

Thankfully that time is no longer indeterminate.

But collar or no collar, titles or "roles"....all I know is that I just have to spend some time one on one with my sweetheart. Because at the end of the day, that's what he is. He's a wonderful man. He's a clever and driven man. He's my Master. He's my friend and he's such a warm and safe and tender harbour. He's funny and loves my humour (receives extra points for that). He can be strong and demands things from me and pushes me. He's my lover who I love to make and hear chuckle and make relaxed and happy. But at the end of all this, its very simple - he's my sweetheart and my darling.

Of course, time most likely will change these thoughts and feelings. But I hope that the Gods smile kindly on us and take note of the difficulties which we have and allow us peace to carry on as we are.

I'll post again in the next little while in regards my collar. Its something that I want to talk about, but this turned into something else and I don't want to add more.

Kisses to you all....in SL or RL or whateverLife.

As a wonderful woman who I am proud to call my friend and with no "L" definitions says in her profile:

"Be yourself, everyone is taken".

A random bit of randomness

Well, the latest round of madness has passed at work and it seems that my head is a little more stable and less washy than it has been.

The Boss helps keep me sane as do a handful of other r and s life friends. I'm more grateful than I can say.

A few things that have occured to me...one of the most touching things is that I've found that if I find the courage to talk to others about what's going on in my life, that they open up and talk more personally about themselves.

I know that we have certain social frameworks which we all use and possibly need in order to function with strangers, but I find myself being more and more turned off as a human by these.

It may be a possible reason as to why I can't bear to be with people who I don't know all that well at the moment. This shallow and fake "how are you?" that seems to greet me at every available meeting sets my teeth on edge. The temptation to actually tell the truth and then get the other person to sit down and actually really tell me how they are is becoming increasingly overwhelming.

Plus it would also be quite a humourous (albeit possibly quite sick) situation to actually not give the standard "I'm fine, and you?" reply and actually answer with a serene smile "How nice of you to ask and be concerned. Actually my latest depressive episode is taking a lot longer to get passed than I had hoped, but I DO feel a lot better generally speaking. Although I'm not sure if its me or the tablets to be honest. I find the German healthcare system ridiculously frustrating and I'm thankful that I'm a difficult bitch and insistant and engaged otherwise I might have been locked up by now (not joking) and I wonder how others who are unable to help themselves manage to get any help. The skin problem that I had diagnosed has no proper cure and I am only helping to god that it isn't going to get worse. Ummm...oh yes, the 20% pay cut that my boss wants me to accept as of January is unacceptable and so I have now decided to get another job although to be honest I'm petrified, but I have to just get on with it. The positive in my life revolves around a select few people who I worry about burdening and making them impatient and fed up with me so I bite my tongue and don't let as much out as I would like or possibly need. I'm loved and cared for by some, some who have surprised me so pleasantly and are my hold. Now sit down and have a coffee with me and tell me how you really are..."

It links in nicely to a thought that's been going through my head for a few weeks. A friend of mine from sl who I don't actually really see all that often and IM with now and again just kind of let drop that he had been reading my blog. It kinda shocked me. There are a few close people who I know read my blog and anyone else...well..is there actually anyone else who reads it? I haven't been out and about in sl chatting for the last few months and so I kind of forget that someone may pop open my profile and see that I have a blog. God....what a thought. All my thoughts and "problems"....oh I cringe. But....I wanted this human feeling in me to be let out and so I shall stick at it. I have to really start to learn not to worry about possible negative things that people think of me. Especially from people who don't know me. And anyway...why should they necessarily be negative?

*shrugs

Anyway, I'm trying it gently in my real life too....I'm starting to approach people on a more emotional and human level when I meet them and to hell with these stupid fucking social conventions. Ok, I DO draw the line at not freaking people out as above ;)

So.....if you are new and just browsing....hi, how are you? And I REALLY mean it. :) Welcome to my madness, the water is warm so spring right in. And please...give someone a genuine and warm smile today. Someone who you don't know. And in the hope that one day they will feel then inclined to smile to another stranger and make them feel good in turn. Perhaps one day your smile will work its way to me.

I promise to do the same for you when out and about tomorrow.

*looks up and smiles

Thank you to those of you who gave me a shoulder and an ear...VERY much appreciated and the good news is that poppy is now feeling a lot better (about bloody time, I know), but has also started to get the proper help that she needs.

Things ain't perfect, but then again, they never were! Hehehehe!

But I'm feeling a lot closer to my normal self. :)

Other than trying to find my feet again lately, I haven't been up to all that much.

The new laptop arrived amid much oohhing and ahhing, as did the new laptop table (toooo cool! Search for it in Amazon as it is cheaper; they're great for lazy arses like me who sit on the sofa or on the bed).

I finally transferred everything from the old lappy and deleted everything and gave it to a friend of mine.

Highlight of the weekend?

When I was showing her how the laptop basically works and she asked me if it took AA batteries or AAA.

I swear to God. I laughed myself silly and have damaged her techie confidence for life. But sorry, that was too damned funny!

A reason to get up in the morning....

....my new laptop is due to be delivered tomorrow!

Hurrah!

Sorry...there are some things which depression just can't touch. One of which is the delivery of a monster machine being delivered into my eager little mits.

Though god forbid there is anything wrong with it or something doesn't work....all hell will break lose and a full meltdown will be on the cards.

For anyone who is interested, here's the link. Its all in German, but you'll get the specs and be able to vomit with jealousy at the size of the hard drive (too ridiculously massive).

As to how SL runs on it...I shall let you know.

I'm aware

that my last posts might make worrying reading.

The point of my writing is not to worry anyone. Its meant as a way to let off steam from my busy mind and have a giggle at times and to write about things that touch me or annoy me.

I debated deleting a few of my posts, but then I thought again.

Another reason that I write is that I wonder if sometimes others have thoughts like I do (mostly I think that its quite unlikely lol) and maybe are a little relieved.

I'm not going to delete anything I write, in fact I want to write something now which some might consider brave and might make some worry more or pity me. I don't do it to be pitied, nor to make people worry. And I'm not being brave. Maybe I'm being selfish in that it helps my head and maybe I'm doing something good because I want people to understand.

I suffer from depression. And I want those close to me to understand this and maybe it might help if you can gain a clearer impression of what it is from someone who deals with it. I know that some of the people close to me feel at times bewildered and scared and a little helpless when confronted with this. Unsure of what they can do or how to react.

Maybe you yourself have had moments in life or maybe someone close to you have episodes. Either way, maybe me writing about it can help. I hope so. This is only my experience and I'm sure each person's is different, but there are common themes and having someone talk openly about something which is still seen as taboo might help you with some insights.

All my life I've been "over-sensitive" and I like that side of me. But my adult life has been plagued with depressive episodes.

Its hard to describe it all....how do you describe the pain of a migraine to someone who has only ever had a few headaches here and there? A lot of people don't want to understand depression and consider it whinging or as someone being "weak". Unable or unwilling to cope. They see it as an equivalent maybe of a soul headache...take a few tablets and it will go away. Get on with things and it will disappear. Just a hiccup and stop moaning. Look around you and see what others have to deal with...you have a decent life in comparison and don't be so pathetic or ungrateful.

Well, I've heard all this before and more. Sometimes, although rarely from others, but mainly from myself. And now is the time to sit down and deal with things.

So what is depression and what does it feel like?

Very hard to explain and I'm not a doctor. From what I've read (a lot) and what I've experienced its one or all or a mix of several things: chemical, hormonal (are they the same? Don't know) and experience. Its one of the really hard things - if I had a broken arm, its visible and the medical community can heal it quickly and its done with.

A broken soul isn't so easy.

With me...I have lots and lots of time when I feel absolutely fine. I feel "normal" and content, happy and hopeful and with energy. Daily life is easy and takes no thought. Life has its normal ups and downs and I cope with it all like you do. You just get on with it.

But sometimes something happens and that all changes. With me, it creeps up. Imagine a volcano....this feeling of darkness, its always there, but mostly its just bubbling away under the surface. Sometimes even so far down that even I don't notice it. Then a little eruption will occur. And I can dampen that down myself normally and life gets back to normal. I've gotten exceptionally good at recognising the warning rumbles within myself and at fire fighting little break outs. No-one else would ever notice. But then these episodes gain in frequency and in strength. And then there's the big one. With me, it seems to be every two or so years.

Of course...I'm strong and capable and I look at others around me with so much more stress and difficulty in their private lives and I laugh at myself and tell myself not to be such an idiot. And so the cycle continues. And doesn't get solved. And so it comes again. And each time it feels worse.

I tried to describe it to a friend of mine and I shall try and tell you. Again, it is most likely different for everyone, but this might give you an inkling.

Sometimes there is a trigger which I am aware of (at the time or after) or sometimes I can't put my finger on what it was. My adult head tells me to react and behave one way. My emotional side says other things. These two parts of me seem to speak a different language and both struggle to understand the other. I get confused and stuck and scared and panicky. I see no answer and I imagine all the worst-case scenarios. My thoughts whirl around in circles and go down and down. Still I can hear my and your thoughts saying "well, just get a grip".

That's the thing, you can't. You tell yourself that, but you don't always have the tools, the coping strategies to do this. Medical thought will tell you that sometimes people like me have something missing which helps our thought processes.

I feel my energy draining out of me. Mental energy, not physical. But it affects you physically too - I can barely walk, my limbs feel leaden. The pure mental effort to keep going in all aspects is exhausting. You go into some kind of survival mode. The worst aspect is that you end up in your head with the view that there is no point. Hopelessness is a classic sign. The level of this feeling generally will indicate how serious things are. Luckily I have never been to the point where I want to do anything violent against myself. If you yourself ever reach this point or if you know someone who has voiced this to you - please...be gentle and hold on. Tight. And get help immediately. Someone who is at this point is totally and utterly unable to help themselves. The only control that they feel that they can gain is the control over stopping the hell that is going on inside of them. They may be ashamed of not being able to cope with something they consider stupid and as such are unable to ask for help. They despair of ever being able to function normally. That light at the end of the tunnel which we normally know to be there we are unable to recognise it or see it ourselves. Its most unlikely that someone wishes to hurt themselves seriously, its normally a despairing cry for help.

And that's the main message to those of you who have the frustrating and at times worrying job of caring for and loving someone who has these moments - you can tell us 1000 times. And please don't ever stop. But the problem is...we have something inside of us which won't allow us to believe you. I see a difference between knowing something and truly believing it. I know that life is good and that things will always keep going and that everything will be good and normal again. At moments when I'm in this pit...I just can't see or believe it. And the strength to clamber out of that dark hole is flowing out of me. The mental effort is huge and overwhelming. Its not that we don't want to...its crappy in that hole...we. just. can't.

I often have thoughts of disappearing, as I posted before. But I wanted to explain that better. When I'm feeling down....I feel so desperately sad. No hope that it will ever change. I know that it will get better again, but I know that this will happen again. I despair. I try so hard to keep a grip and I wonder why. What's the point? I work so hard at trying to keep this thing under control. Its the mental equivalent of keeping your hand in a tight fist constantly. And yet it keeps coming. I try so unbelievably hard to look at the triggers and try to learn to cope with them in another way. I work hard on dealing with certain aspects of my past and to try and improve myself as a human being. And yet it still keeps coming back and rearing its head. And the hopelessness overwhelms me. And with this, the energy, the pure effort of will to keep going and smiling and getting on with life starts to drain. And I feel that happening. So I fight harder. The thoughts start up and I get stuck. I panic. Most people have had some kind of panic attack or at least one depressive moment, so I'm hoping that you have a grasp of this feeling.

Last week, I had a panic attack which lasted 3 days. I had the feeling in me that I wanted to just disappear. To let go of fighting. That thought frightened the hell out of me. Again...nothing violent. I just get this overwhelming desire to crawl into bed and never get up again. I feel totally burnt out and I imagine that's what a break down really is. Life always carries on, sure. But it can carry on without me.

Fortunately, I managed to hold on as I normally manage to do. But the feeling was so strong that it scared me. And so I'm finally going to get help. I am not worthless and as such I deserve to get better and draw a line under some things and be supported whilst I heal. Because that's it with me - I'm a little ill in some corners of my heart. I'm not mad, I'm not just whinging. I'm normally very strong and capable and I love life. And I'm not going to risk that this damned illness gets me to a place where I do contemplate something bad against myself. And the work to come back from the brink is sad and long. I would rather start dealing with it now.

So I shall talk to someone who is equipped to help me. I shall say all the things that I've held tight inside of me for 16 yrs and I shall let them out in a controlled and safe environment. I shall learn step by step that the coping strategies that I learnt then have no place in my life now. And I shall try damned hard to learn new ones. Ones which are right and fitting for a 30 yr old woman who has a happy and good life, who will have to deal with sadness and shite, but who will do that in an adult way. And not a scared 14 yr old's way.

And for those of you who are on the sidelines and have the horrible job of looking on whilst someone you care about slides from being the normal person who you know and like into some stranger with behaviour that you can't get your head around...?

I ask that you try to talk to the person. Non-judgementally. You don't have to understand, you have to empathise. Its possible that they are ashamed and don't like being seen as being weak. They're not. They're ill. They sometimes will not even recognise that they are in need of help. Its a hard balance to suggest to them that they might need some proper support and them just having a bad moment which we all do. Research it a little yourself and maybe get them to too. Wiki has a great couple of articles. Most of all, keep reassuring them. Please. Its damned lonely in your head and heart when you're feeling this way. Accept that they will also have good moments too! And maybe lots of them!

I have great friends who I have spoken to about things. And they empathise and some even really understand as they've been there at least once. I'm learning to be gentler and less harsh with myself. And in the right moments, I can even have a joke and a giggle about it. It takes away from the scariness and makes it more dealable. But do so in a way which still takes the affected person seriously.

Obviously I haven't spoken to everyone about it as its none of their business. And funnily enough, half of my social circle wouldn't even believe me as I'm the typical life and soul of the party. Funny huh? You never know what goes on in people's hearts.

Depression is an illness and there are many ways to deal with it. In regards to me, if you know me....I'm not breakable. Don't tiptoe around me. I'm not dying and it will get better. Laughs and love are soooo important. And any "bad news"....well...I am still an adult and running away from things won't help. Don't try to shield me. The majority of the time, life is fine and I'm good. Mini outbreaks are always dealt with me normally and I accept them. And remember that I'm going for help. No need to wrap me up in cotton wool. I try to indicate what I need and am even trying very hard to be able to actually articulate it clearly. We're still allowed to have fun and get pissed off like "normal" people do without depression being thrown in our face. I won't use it as an excuse to behave badly and expect the same from others. And sometimes a sulky strop moment is just that. ;D

I don't expect anyone to solve my problems. Only I can do that. I hope though that you can find it in yourself to just hold my hand and prop me up now and again when the path gets a little rough.

And I'm working with the local life street department to make sure that I find the right shoes to deal with the rocky paths. They don't seem to have enough budget to repair life's roads and make them smoother, so we're just going to make sure that I have the right equipment to deal with it.

*poofs

I'm turning my laptop off and signing out for a tiny while.

Nothing too bad, but consider me afk for a while.

The weather forecast says sun and warmth again for the weekend, maybe it will even start on Fri.

Here's hoping.

brb

Do you ever...

....feel like you're disappearing?

I do. Only at times. And not all that often. But sometimes I have this feeling that if I were just to puff out of existence, then...well what then? Well, I guess I have this feeling that no-one would notice and that I wouldn't even maybe mind if that were the case.

Now...do NOT think that this means that I lean towards suicidal feelings!!! It most certainly does not!

And I know of course in my head that I would be missed by quite a few.

Its not about either of those two issues. So no wide eyes and messages of great concern please!

One of the reasons that I decided to have this blog was so that I could write shite like this.

I often wonder if others think thoughts like this and have feelings similar to those I do. With all the mish mash of humanity out there, I surely cannot be alone. Its just that people never talk openly about this kind of thing I suppose. I'm not surprised really. Those who don't think this way must be horrified!

Hmmm....I don't profess to speak for anyone other than the voices in my head.

lol! Only joking! There's only one voice in my head and its firmly mine.

I have no clue if I'm a little loopy or perhaps I'm what many might term as "over-sensitive". Maybe I'm totally and utterly plain boring and you lot are just silly and never speak these kinds of things aloud and let me sit here thinking I'm a loon. A conspiracy perhaps!

*shrugs. I guess it doesn't really matter either way. I actually quite like the quirky thoughts that I have and the way that my mind works.

I'm going through a bit of this "poofing" phase at the moment. I feel unsocial and ready for Autumn. I want to be alone and quiet and introspective. With my teddy and a snuggle blanket and a pot of my favourite tea. On the other hand I pull away a little like this and I get sad if no-one notices.

To out myself even more...I bought a cat basket for myself in sl. I'm a little embarrassed about this on the one hand, on the other I couldn't give a toss what others think. As I post now, poppy is curled up in her basket all snug and warm and safe. And it helps to a large degree. Funny. I have her basket in a nice corner at The Boss' house. It's only for one and has a few sweet poses (cheeky, fun, quiet, sad). Its great for when I don't want to talk, as I can let him know how I feel just through the pose. Its a different way to how I normally communicate, but its good. Different, but good at certain times.

And even though he isn't here, it isn't just for communication with him. Its for *me*. I'm not turning nekko, but I like the fact that I can use it to "allow" myself to feel a little down or sad and for it to be ok in that moment. It never lasts forever but I'm always quite tough on myself when I'm feeling wobbly. My kitty basket "let's" me do that.




Not really related, but it just kind of occurred to me...I once was with someone and even though I can't exactly recall the exact circumstances I think that I had been a little insecure about something. It can happen a lot with me. I know this and I also mostly have a fair idea of what I need to make me feel safe and better. In this instance I told the other person that my head and my emotions seem to be at odds with one another at times and speak a different language to one another. I said that my head *knew* something but that my heart never *believed* it. And for me to maybe learn to bring these two together and really feel and believe that I was full of worth, I told him that maybe I need to be told these things..by myself of course and also by others in my life. Particularly maybe those who are romantically involved in my life. His response? Even if he told me 1000 times, I still wouldn't believe him.

This relationship didn't last.

The Boss...he tells me..he keeps telling me. Maybe I won't believe him until the 2056th time. Maybe I'll learn and believe by the 873rd time. But he never stops. He doesn't stop believing in me and he doesn't stop holding on tight to me.

I really can't tell you what that means to me and how it makes me feel.




Maybe it is related to what I was writing about before. It makes me feel as if I'm real, that I exist. That it would matter if I wasn't there. It makes me feel safe and warm and protected, just like my kitty basket does. He doesn't cling or smoother, he's just there. And god am I grateful for that. He let's me be me, even with all my silly and funny and crazy thoughts. He even encourages me to be me. He likes me.

*smiles and posts and turns the light off and snuggles down to watch a Sex and the City re-run.

Oh yes....

....since I haven't been out and about in SL for weeks and weeks...

...which means that no-one who doesn't know me would be looking at my blog (coz I haven't yet worked out how I get listed on any search engines, not that I've actually bothered to apply myself to this task yet)...

...and since my clever little gadget / widget / thingie shows me from what countries and towns you all log in from (yes, read the link, second one after this one and be warned!) has been keeping a clever eye on you all...

...who is the lucky bastard who's gone to Thailand???

Tuesday Blues

I'm not a big fan of Tuesdays. Last weekend is a fast fading memory and the coming weekend is bloody miles away. The only thing of any use to a Tuesday is the fact that it means that Monday is done with.

*sighs

I'm known at work for being the chirpy one on the balcony for a quick ciggie at 10:20am on a Monday morning (bearing in mind that I generally start work at 10:00 on Mondays coz my duvet just will not let me go) who tells everyone that its nearly the weekend.

Really, I can make myself feel that way and I try to pass this happy feeling to my depressed Monday weary colleagues.

Its easy, it just takes a bit of imagination - Monday at about 13:00 is the best time to do this actually. The fact that Monday morning is officially out of the way and its nearly Wednesday. Well, this time tomorrow Tuesday is nearly gone and as such its nearly Wednesday. See...easy! If you can imagine that its virtually Wednesday, then my god...Friday is only a tiny step away really. I imagine that lovely feeling on a Wednesday evening when you know that you only have one full day until the start of the weekend. Coz Fridays don't really count as you start the weekend on that day.

To encourage this bit of delusional thinking, the Germans sometimes "celebrate" what's known as Bergfest (Mountain Party - the top of the "mountain" being the middle of the week...geddit?). On a Wednesday evening you go down the pub and celebrate that you've gotten through half the week. According to my thinking, Wednesday evening is more than half a week - even more reason to celebrate! Failing everything else, you at least have a monster hang over to cover the feeling of having to work. Civilised these Germans, love it!

They even have a saying: "Ab eins, macht jeder seins". This is based on the older bureaucratic jobs where you left the office at 13:00 on a Friday. I'm still working on this. It would help my imagination that little bit more. The boss (notice the lack of capital letter...talking about the work boss not The Boss) isn't keen, although I have put together an action plan which would explain the huge benefits involved in such a motivational management decision. I just gotta work out the right time to present it to him.

I think that the real reason I'm feeling miffed...I'm missing The Boss (not the work one..I see him every day). I'm ok..I know that he's coming back and the poor man - poppy must be exhausting at times (see above for example of popette's crazy head). No...I'm not feeling bad at all, but I still miss him. Its a positive thing, not a negative. My flatmate has (thankfully) buggered off for 10 days and I think that I'm a little melancholy. Maybe that's the wrong word as I don't want you to get the idea that I'm feeling down or depressed as I'm not. Maybe I'm a little introspective. I'm very much enjoying spending time on my own, but I've actually noticed a slight physical ache when I think of The Boss, a certain restlessness.

*sighs

Its located someone in the vicinity of my breastbone. How bizarre. lol

Mind you, with my imagination maybe its just all in my head. Who knows?

The Boss should be back over the weekend, but then jets off for a few days for work. So its a little hard to know in which direction I have to aim my delusions in - towards Sat / Sun or towards next Weds/Thurs??? - as we're not quite sure when he can manage to get online.

Its damned hard on the brain, being me, you know!

Keeps me occupied though - having to decide that today being Tuesday evening actually means that its virtually the weekend, or that today being Tuesday means that its almost the same time next week and only one more day to go.

I dread to ask this question as I'm seriously scared about the lack of reply (although the pharmaceutical industry will be happy to have confirmation that I'm mad)...but does anyone else think like this? Not necessarily in this example (although anyone prepared to put their hands up and be counted - I shall love you for life), but generally...this weird constant conversation with oneself on the most bizarre topics.....?

I'm not yet sure if I should have the grace to be embarrassed for telling you all this or not.

I shall discuss it with myself and let you know what conclusion we come to.

Tasers, duct tape and cuffs - available in RL for the ultimate kick!

Apologies for all (2 of) my regular readers who have already had this link sent to them (by me whilst laughing my arse off), but I think that this needs to be shared:

A warning - if you're going to meet some loon from SL in RL, then make sure that you don't own any doggies!

I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't laugh as I can imagine that it must be terrible to be stalked...but really, this woman is a freaking nutcase!! (And please please please watch the little TV report...coz when you see that picture of the woman in RL....oh good Lord! Poppy is no work of art in rl, but....)

Anyone want to start a proper discussion on the benefits and pitfalls of meeting in RL, let me know. Otherwise enjoy the chuckle.

Hmmm..maybe I should write a little about that...

Lulu Cuffs and gags

Ok I've plugged the Real Restraints and now I want to tell you about my personal favourite in terms of cuffs and gags.

Again...I'm not a click and sit back and watch kinda gal, but I do enjoy the added "reality" given by some of the toys in sl.

Restraints can give the added visual effect, but only a few actually do what restraints would do in rl - restrict.

The most intuitive cuffs that I've ever found are from Lulu.

They are NOT cheap, I warn you now. But you get free updates for life when you buy them and they are THE cleverest that I've found.

Set-up is complicated the first time that you do it, but the instructions are very clear and once you've gotten the idea, then any updates etc are then easy. Initial set up took me about half an hour I must admit and I would advise being somewhere with no lag and that you just take your time.

The huge benefit of these is that there is no scramble in your inv to attach cuffs or a gag. No no, once its all set up and you have the hud on, then your owner can attach or detach whenever they feel like it. The system is also great in that once you have re-sized and saved positions, then the system doesn't forget..even when you update and have to get a new hud - you can transfer all your stats (transferring - concentrate a lot, coz its confusing as hell the first time that you have to do it!).

The poses and the movements are elegant and realistic for those of you who need that visual kick (and lets face it, sl should be pretty!), and the head factor is great when the cuffs are used.

As far as I'm aware the gags have full RestrainedLife compatibility although I haven't played with the cuffs and RL so I'm not sure about them.

I've spent about 5000L$ on my Lulu gear (2 gags and the cuff set with thigh and arm plugins), but you can get the basic set for cheaper and I just added to it as and when I could.

They're compatible with most of the popular restraint systems too, so no need to have to renew anything else.

Very highly recommended!

RestrainedLife Viewer

You may have already have heard of Marine Kelley and her Real Restraint products and her sideline of developing an alternative / add-on sl viewer. But for those of you who haven't I wanted to let you all know about it.

Marine develops, makes and sells a whole series of very clever and deliciously naughty restraints for sl. I myself only have the shibari sets and not the others, but I've spoken to a few people and oh my....

What I really wanted to tell you about though is her RestrainedLife Viewer.

I have absolutely no idea as to the technical bits and how it works, all I know is that it works.

The RLViewer is downloaded (for more specific details and to get to the site where you can download, click here) and then you need to unpack the .zip file and shove the lot into your normal SL file.

From there I got another desktop icon and so I now have the normal sl and the RL viewer.

So what does it actually do?

Well, its only of use to anyone who wants that added spice to sl. In a D/s relationship within sl it can lend that extra bit of "reality", especially for people like me who "feel" sl.

If the subbie has this viewer then it allows his or her dom/me to have an added element of control. You can basically control almost every element - IMs, chat, teleporting, access to map, inv and so on and so forth.

Obviously...choose extremely carefully if you are interested in this and then with whom you would play with!

For my part, The Boss and I had spoken about it in the past and I was less than enthusiastic. I have no interest in an sl where my chat and IMs have been banned and where I can't tp. For me its fairly pointless and I would just turn off my pooter and go watch paint dry, it would be more interesting. However, I can understand the need that some have for a high level of control and to be isolated at times and in certain situations. Its just not for me. Thankfully, its also not something that The Boss is interested in either.

My experience with it so far (I heard about it months ago, but only downloaded it last week) is that it seems fairly simple to set up. I have an Amethyst collar and got the plug in for it and all the commands go through that.

And the rest? Well, The Boss and I wanted it for only a few reasons. One...a bit of uncertainty on my part really...we've spoken a lot about what would be acceptable and what not, but I still have to trust him not to block my IMs and then sod off (should that ever happen then you could sign out and then sign in with the normal viewer and things would work as normal, which isn't the point of course, but there IS a way out). I believe so firmly that he would never risk anything with me to play silly buggers, so I'm fine with it, but I still get that nice little nervous feeling.

The main reason though....he can dress or undress me! Hehehehe..he has no interest in using his popette as a barbie doll so the main reason is the second reason. You can buy scripts which you add to prim clothing so another can take them off, but its limited only to prims and permission is always asked. Through a (fairly complex) system of changing some of your inv (detailed instructions on Marine's blog) so that items that you choose are "shared", the other person (not everyone) can then peel off that sexy top or jacket that you have on.

You can also lock on items, but that's not all that interesting for me either, but there's a huge amount of stuff that you can do with it.

I have to admit that we did try out the IM ban. I have a gag which would normally only ever stop chat and you can work around it normally through emoting (/me). We use this frequently as a giggle whilst out and about at Roissy or such and The Boss and I are normally chuckling away over skype at the same time. So poppy is less than "gagged". Personally I think that The Boss would die of boredom if I were gagged for any amount of time. However, now and again...rarely, but still...a gag should do what it is meant to. We tried it out in conjunction with the viewer and stopped all chat and all IM. God it was frustrating!!! Hated it and felt very isolated. Thankfully it was a test just to try out how everything worked. What I did love though is that The Boss could set that I could IM him. In certain situations I can see the benefits of this - it made me feel quite peaceful actually. I could "whisper" away in his ear, but there was no pressure on me to have to talk to anyone else. Nice.

Everyone uses sl in a slightly different way and that again depends on the person opposite you. I'm not a huge fan of things like Xcite and jumping on poseballs and sitting back and watching a bit of pixel porn. So most toys are fairly silly to my eyes. At most they're are props to help with the exchange of feeling. But this viewer is maybe one little prop which is quite powerful.

I guess that the viewer is certainly not for everyone. And like I said before I would be wary of who I used it with and what was acceptable and what isn't. The Boss and I have been with one another for 7 months and so...What you actually end up doing with it and how, is left only to your imagination and that of your partner.

And now for the 16:00 round up of this week's events

So I thought that I should do a general round up kind of thing before I get stuck back in.

Today the weather has been crappy and autumnal so I've been busy cleaning and airing the house and doing the washing and stuff. The event season starts back up for me in a few weeks and so time to get everything in order again I guess. But now the flat is sparkling and I have my snuggle rug out ready for the shitty weather with a cup of tea next to me.

I actually quite like Autumn, fav time of year. I love wet and windy Sunday afternoons curled up on the sofa or bed with a pot of tea and a good book or black and white film.

Anyway, I digress (like that never normally happens!)...

I got back from holiday and went back to work. That's it really! lol How depressing, I know. I'm currently convinced that the rest of my life will consist of: work, weekend, work, weekend, work, weekend for an unknown amount of time until death. Happy thoughts eh?

Tan is fading and I've finally unpacked and now it looks and feels as if I was never away.

Pah! Having a tan is great and I'm going to do the unthinkable and go and lay my white arse on a sunbed a few times a month I think. Especially with winter coming up. Don't want to look like a tangerine or anything, but I do look and feel better with a hint of colour.

Other than that...hmmm...well, I've been spending a lot of time with The Boss and its been fabulous. Yes, he's still kicking around and hasn't rolled his eyes so much at me that he's thrown his hands up and run off. 7 months now....I'm beginning to wonder if he is maybe a bit of a masochist.

After I got my half a sim, I managed to finally convince him that his plot on the mainland was ugly, crowded and shite and that he should get in touch with Joshua Sao and see if he had anything. Josh is great - he had nothing so what does he do? Buys a new sim. lolol Thankfully the other two 1/4 plots went quickly.

It seems that the neighbours keep themselves to themselves and I think that they're on another time zone which is always nice. One has done a nice job on his island, but the other one...oh dear. She's gone and dumped a fugly black cube store on it. I am not a happy bunny! Josh has a policy that his sims have no covenant which is fair enough, especially when it comes to things like taste (or not, as is the case with "her"). But I am a little miffed that commercial stuff can go up like that. Hahaha...and its not even my land, but I spend enough time there for it to irritate me.

I'd be happy if she moved the black box thing up into the sky, but it still remains to be seen if she's actually a decent enough skin maker or photographer to generate any customers. If it gets laggy, then Josh will step in apparently.

I AM very tempted though - I have these huge ghost prims...the actual prim is on your land, but the ghost part can be rotated (normally) to make your sim look bigger as it expands out. I am kinda guessing that if I put on or two on the edge of the island there, that they might just possibly, perhaps be more than highly visible and present on her bit. *giggles evilly.

We shall see...I'm gonna go down the mediation route first, but after that, well...what's a girl to do other than use a visual blocking method?? And if said method happens to be soooo big that it impacts her sim..well...I'm sorry, I'm thick...I have no idea how that could happen!

Thank god I don't have these issues with my neighbours!

I know, I know...The Boss is more than capable of doing this himself, but he's buggered off on holiday. Bastard. lol Well deserved so I shall stop sulking.

Speaking of The Boss and his island..he built a house on it. From scratch. And it looks bloody good! A bit low on furniture at the moment, but its getting there and lil ol popette feels mighty good there. Thankfully he knows well enough to make use of my talent for shopping and rezzing and I've been allowed to make it a little cozy.

Well...I have a few more bits to blog about and shall in due course, but the washing is done and I need to practise my house-wifely skills (who for, I have no idea) and hang it all up.

Sneaks back into the office...

...and switches on the pooter again.

Yes, ok, most of you know full well that I've been back for almost a week already and that I'm just a lazy bugger.

Well....ok, I need to pull my finger out of my arse (UK saying for those wondering!) and get blogging again.

Will do, promise!

P.S.

I think that I forgot to mention that the weather forecast is around the 32 degrees and pure sun.

Have fun working everyone!

At least the the sun always shines in SL huh?

;)

Speaking of which, when I get back, I promise less random Poppy-RL rambles and more sl stuff - I must be boring you all to tears!

Cherrio duckies...bis bald!

*waves and runs for the plane

Out of Office Reply

Thanks for poking your nose in my (not very up-to-date-currently) blog.

I am out of the office and will unfortunately be returning on Wednesday 13th August, at which point I will most likely be upset that I'm still not sunning myself with a g & t with ice and a slice in my hand on a beach in Spain.

I will have no access to my emails, let alone sl and have packed the tablets, yes. We are expecting the shakes and itchy fingers to start somewhere above the south of France at which point air control will warn all other aircraft in the vicinity of possible turbulence.

Should you have any emergencies in this time, then please contact with The Boss (details in my profile) or Half Short and they know how to reach me.

Not knowing where the staples are kept; a paper jam in the photocopier; sl swallowing your expensive sex toys; sl relationships breaking up or starting; needing me to book your hotel room (unless you are contact person no.1) etc etc blah blah, do NOT constitute emergencies.

I wish you all a sunny and lag-free 10 days as that's what I'll be having - with a sun tan and lots of yummy food and drink.

Kisses and be well,

Popette.

Its bloody typical!

So, today is the first day of my well-earned holiday. This is good. :)) On Monday I fly off to Barcelona to go and meet friends who have rented a villa just south of the French border and I can't bloody wait!

But typically, I have spent the day in bed virtually dying of bloody hay fever! An awful start to the holiday with a streaming nose, coughing, headache itchy eyes and horrific sneezing. And it is soooo hot here too!

I've just woken up and stuffed myself full of medicine and am hoping the the rain that we had whilst I was dozing will help too. Either way as soon as I get to Barcelona, it will be much better on the coast, but I really can't be bothered with suffering beforehand! And I'm wary of the tingling at the top of my chest. An infection perfectly timed for my 10 days in the sun is not what I want to be taking with me!

Funnily enough, I was actually due a guest yesterday and today and good how things worked out and they didn't manage to come as a Poppy with a seriously snotty nose and groaning in pain and annoyance isn't particularly all that sexy. Although I guess that there are some who like that... I, on the other hand, prefer to roll around on my bed full of self-pity, looking a mess all on my own. I certainly don't need an audience when I'm feeling poorly.

The other really shitty thing about feeling icky is that you can't read for very long, or go onto sl for very long either. And so you end up watching daytime tv and feeling even more depressed. I love these talk shows though....and people think that sl is freaky!!! Hahaha....the people who go on these shows and air their dirty washing in public - now that's fucked up.

So now the debate is on as to whether or not I can be bothered to get dressed and go out to get some food and also how many tablets I can take to make sure that I feel better so that I can go and work my way along the "beer mile" tomorrow afternoon.

The Big O

Its totally and utterly mad - the whole of Berlin, no, the whole of Germany is going totally stir crazy.

The World and European Cup tv screens are being dusted off and rolled out and Berlin has almost already come to a standstill as nearly 2km of road has been closed off.

And why?

Coz Obama is on his way.

Regardless of where you look his face is on the front page of every national and local paper and mentioned in every radio and tv broadcast.

I have to admit I'm completely with them all and am soooooo excited. Well, we all know that I'm an excitable little popette at times anyway but really...this is what its all about somehow.

The fever first started to boil with national discussions of WHERE Obama could talk. His people wanted the Brandenburg Gate, but that's reserved only for already elected people. So the discussion went backwards and forwards and people started to take notice. Finally they've now settled on the Siegessäule the Victory Column on the opposite end of the Strasse der 17. Juli (or Juni, I can never remember). No doubt the pr people will manage to get a shot of him with the Gate behind him especially as he's staying at the famous Adlon on Pariser Platz which is just 20m away. Funny aside, some big wig from Iran is in Berlin until tomorrow afternoon and has the most "safe" hotel - the InterConti. The Adlon is known as the second most safe hotel in Berlin. Mr. O should sleep well then. :D

The last couple of days have been truly manic though and only matched in my time here with the time when the World Cup was hosted here.

So... a huge group of us are going to make our way tomorrow afternoon to stand about and wait for the big man to arrive and talk. Although what about and for how long - I have no idea. Never been to one of these rally thingies before.

But that's just the point and THAT'S what's interesting...

None of us who are going are politically "active".

A lot has been discussed in the press about Obama's lack of international or general experience..blah blah blah.

Well...the feeling in the press over here in Europe and the feeling of the general Norman Normal is well....he's already elected.

One friend who isn't coming tomorrow was like "huh...but why are you going??". Well simple there are 3 reasons:

1). We all are sick and tired of our boring, grey, uninspiring politicians and so shall go and watch someone else's for a bit of charisma.
2). We all kind of have the feeling that we may be a little part of history by being there.

and 3).

I can't vote in the USA. And even though no American I have ever spoken to has ever admitted to voting for Bush, somehow he and the Republicans got in. This cannot happen again. And 76% of Germans agree with me. That's the amount of people who, it was reported on Tuesday, would vote for Obama in Germany.

And so I and very many other people will be going too - to show our support and to hopefully talk with our feet and show the Americans what we think.

I've read so much about how he should concentrate on domestic policy and that this tour is a mistake. Well, you know what? In this day and age, particularly in regards America it is damned important what the rest of the world thinks. Especially when one wants to act as the world's policeman. And domestic policy? Yes, sure its important but quite frankly people - what do politicians actually really change these days? Same shit, different language. A globalised economy means that local policy makes it increasingly harder to steer your economy.

At the end of the day...a Chancellor, President, Prime Minister...they SHOULD be the inspiring ones!! They're bloody leaders! And that's what's missing these days. For me anyway. I'm sick of politicians who rip us off and spout bullshit which we're expected to swallow gratefully. I want to be bowled over with charisma and a bit of sense. I might even whinge less then if my taxes go up.

And ask yourself why McCain isn't going swanning off around the world? Coz he's not liked by the world. And if he came to Berlin sure he's get people out and down at the Victory Column - demonstrating against him. And in force.

The Berliners are a funny bunch and I love them to pieces. There are on average 2 demos a day here. The customer service is abysmal and there is the famous "Berliner Schnautze" (Berlin Gob/mouth), but if they don't like something, they get off their arses and say something. Which is more than can be said for the Brits (remember one million on the streets against the Iraq war and then a roll over and go back to the sofa, tellie and cup of tea anyone?).

And the Berliners, they LOVE bloody America. Not only is it an island of political, social, historical, international and creative muddle, its also one of the few areas where the Americans are genuinely warmly accepted. Even these days. The relationship has changed slightly in recent years, yes. After WWII, the Americans were the victors. Clever people quickly changed their views and made them liberators. The Cold War and Berlin Airlift made them a protective older brother and a huge fondness was there for a generation. Now though, this affection is still there, but with a slight distance. The Berliners have grown up a little and flown the nest, but they still look upon the Americans kindly, even when they do fuck up. Its like leaving home and seeing your parents as fallible; as people. No longer the inaccessible gods that they once were. Doesn't mean that you love them any less, just that you see them with more equal eyes.

No-one's sure how many people will turn up tomorrow. Security is tight and today there was even an "attack". Oh my! Pffft...the Berlin attitude to the guy in his car ramming the security gates with his paint flying all over the place? I quote, "well, the place needed brightening up with a bit of controversial street art". "Now that's what I call guerilla marketing". I'm not being flippant about possible idiots, but I do see see things in perspective.

The police are not being very typical with their German precision and have been quoted as saying that they're expecting between 10,000 and 1 million people. Useful.

No idea, but I shall be there and I'm looking forward to being a part of something. And I hope that the amount who turn up is at the larger end of the scale and I hope to God that the pictures get beamed around the world to show that it IS important this time to vote right...hahaha...right in the sense of "correct"! Even if you see it as a lesser of two evils, you had our respect, you lost it. Maybe this time around you could get it back again.

And anyway, no way that I'm gonna miss Obama having a "Kennedy Moment" and telling the Berliners that he's a doughnut.

;D

I have just gotten back home from watching possibly THE funniest and most fun and charming thing I have ever seen:

Mama Mia!

Oh my good lord, I have not cried with laughter consistently for over an hour ever before in my life.

The first 5 minutes are cringe-worthy, until you get into the swing of things and then it is just a wonderfully entertaining and even touching film.

Meryl Streep is beautiful and is just fantastic and Pierce Brosnan...well, I fancy the pants off the man anyway, but this is just....oh lord...too...

Not saying anymore...go see.

Bloody marvelous!

(Wobbly) Walking Wounded

What to do when one really can't be arsed to do any work?

Well...why else have a blog??? The trick is to use editor on the tiny window and then sneak in the post whilst no-one is looking (I have a 21 inch screen).

I had to pop to the pulmonologist this morning for my annual check-up. Nothing to worry about, just the usual tests. Everything is happily in order ad I didn't even get shouted at for not taking all of my medicine (I refuse to take steroids). And I didn't get shouted at for smoking either.

So, I'm sat there with a peg on my nose, inside a tiny little cabin doing my best to keep up with the nurse's shouted instructions of "in out, in out, in out, INNNNNN and out" without giggling (last time we had to re-do the test 3 times, I'm sooo juvenile). After we're done she takes my pulse (all normal after my childish naughty thoughts I'm pleased to report) and then she takes my blood pressure.

Oh dear...seems that I had the pressure levels akin to a corpse this morning. And I had already had two cups of coffee before I left the house!

But you've got to love the German doctors...I'm led to lie down and asked how I feel...fine thanks, a little tired and woozy but I haven't had all that much sleep the last week or two and so no big deal. I'll catch up at the weekend.... Legs up and all that kind of stuff. Great, normal, I feel more or less fine, can you please stop making a fuss about nothing and I'm going to be REALLY late for work! The blessed nurse disappears out and comes back 5 minutes later with....schnapps.

At 9:30 on a Thursday morning at the doctor's, I'm being given a shot of herbal schnapps. And alcoholic. And for free.

Bloody fantastic!

The Germans actually have a recognised health problem based on circulatory problems; mainly low blood pressure. People actually phone up work and call in sick for the day saying to the boss that they have circulatory problems. And are not fired for this. I find it very bizarre. To me its like phoning up and saying to my boss that I am feeling a little like I can't really be bothered to work today and put up with his crap and that I would much rather stay at home with my duvet, a pot of tea and a few good dvds.

Hey ho..now I know the truth - you wake up and think that your blood pressure is fekked, phone up work to say that you won't be coming into work today and then you sod off down the pub to get drunk. And the company pays you for it.

Cunning. I've gone nearly 5 years not knowing this and making up bullshit excuses which no-one blatantly believed.

On the topic of lack of sleep, I then wikied the above (occupational therapy if you will) and yes, lack of sleep can lead to low blood pressure. But what was interesting was the list of ailments related to sleep deprivation.

I'm suffering from most of them it seems:excessive daytime sleepiness, aching muscles, hyperactivity, impatience, irritability, memory lapses or loss slowed reaction time, decreased mental activity and concentration symptoms similar to alcoholic intoxication (I am NOT making that up to justify the schnapps from this morning!)

The general confusion, delirium and psychosis-like symptoms I would like to put down to the lack of sleep recently, but I wouldn't want to lie.

The one benefit of sleep deprivation though is my all-time favourite: increased desire for sexual activity.

Shame I'm too bloody knackered to do anything about it though.

I'm also being very clumsy at the moment. I managed to cut my hand yesterday and it bloody hurts! My colleague has looked at my "scratch" (she wears different glasses to me it seems as I see a bloody gashing wound) and has reliably informed me that she doesn't think that my right arm will have to be amputated.

Phew, but you all know how my mind works and how I worry...

...the gaping wound is on the palm of my hand. So not only does it bloody hurt like hell whatever I do, but, well...its attached to one of the main lines on my hand. Does this mean anything sinister for my future?? Maybe before the slash to my hand I was going to become rich and famous and have a wonderful husband and 12 children. My future is now possibly in jeopardy and I will end up unemployed and squatting somewhere?

Oh dear, yes, thank you for the hugs, flowers and get well soon cards, but really no need to make a fuss. I'm off tonight for the opening night of Mama Mia! and then home again where no doubt I shall suddenly be wide awake again and stuck with Abba songs running through my head. Which will once again put my off pursuing any sexual activity ("activity" lolol..makes it sound like a game of cricket) no doubt.

Home Sweet Home

Ok, I'm not really renowned for my photography skills, but I'm a proud owner of a bit of pixelated land. About bloody time, yes.

And I have possibly THE best neighbours: Half and Banj.

Thanks to (the wonderfully lovely and helpful-even-when-I'm-grouchy) Lije for inspiring (not shutting up until I did) me to look and to putting me in touch with the oh-so-fekking-hilarious Joshua Sao.

A nice guy is Josh, although I have yet to convince him to accept sexual favours instead of Linden dollars, and a wonderful landscaper. For an American he even has a decent sense of humour. I can only recommend him highly if you're looking for land.

And too lovely is that I'm sharing the sim (with NO neighbouring sims) with my mates Banj and Half. So far so good, but I await the day when we start to argue about the rubbish being left laying about and the hedges being allowed to grow too tall. We've managed three days so far, although they haven't been online for 2 of them. We shall see.

Speaking of my neighbours, they're afk at the mo and I was not only tempted, but actually tried, to squat their land a little. I managed to blag my way into Banj's group so that I could rez (read "grief"), but to no avail. Shame that my sweet and caring welcome home present idea didn't work, but it wasn't from a lack of trying. More from Banj's incompetence really.

Anyways...as you can see, I have done precious little to the rolling green hills and river that I now possess. Unfortunately I had a specific building in my mind which I bloody well wanted and spent 6 hours last night scouring the slearth for it, but with no luck. I'm still pouting.

Ah well...we shall see what I make of it, although the building fever lasted all of 2 hours before I got peeved with texturing. I have to accept that I'm better at spending money than actually being creative.

I like to think of myself as a patron of the arts in that way.

It seems that there's hope for us all yet...

In an absolutely shockingly shite bit of reporting, the BBC is today happy to announce that people over 70 are still getting laid.

You can find the full titillating bit of news here.

But this should give many (especially people like Endov and Banj) hope that they will get laid again in their lives).

But enough of being mean and oh so nasty to my maties, I really just wanted to share with you some tasty snippets from the article...which seems as if it was written by a 14 year old work experience snot I should add.

"More than two-thirds - 68% - of married men in the most recent survey said they had sex, an increase from 52%, while the percentage of married women having sex rose from 38% to 56%."

- why does no-one ask with WHOM are the 68% of married men having sex with? Now that would interest me. Coz there's a slight ummm discrepancy here somewhere if only 56% of married women are getting any. Half...do you have something to do with this??

"When sexual intercourse stopped, both men and women tended to blame men, in line with the findings from earlier surveys."

- *chuckles...some things never change, whatever age you are. But this isn't news! Its ALWAYS the man's fault. Headache anyone?

"She said: "We still have this stereotype of elderly people with their bath chairs and canes, staggering around, who couldn't possibly be having sex""

- and some think that bdsm is kinky. Oooh the mental images here....*slaps her forehead in distress

But boys, the good news is:

"a report by Finnish researchers says older men who have more sex will experience fewer erection problems".

For a little bit of inspiration..

As you know, I am an ex-pat. As such I generally don't catch on to all that much of what goes on back on the island.

I was watching a film on TV this evening (sooo traditional I know) and in the ad break, T-Mobile are running an ad which shows a clip from the UK show "Britain's Got Talent" from last year. I had to google when I saw this.

Banj...sorry, this is most likely old old news, but I wanted to show the others.

There's a guy called Paul Potts who comes from Wales. He worked as a mobile phone sales man and when you see him - awful suit, hang-dog face and looking as if he's expecting someone to either insult him or hit him. Simon Cowell (on the jury) is renowned for being a git and you see the look that his colleague and he share as if to say "oh lord, this is going to be terrible".

And then the guy opens his mouth. And sings. Bloody hell does he sing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ya1xLdnrI0c

I got shivers down my spine and I nearly cried.

Turns out that he won in the end - good on him.

And yes boys, no need to post a comment: Amanda Holden does look as if she's having an orgasm in the clip as she's listening to him.

Ich werde dich zerstören, um dich zu erschaffen.
ich werde dich fesseln, um dich zu befreien.
ich werde dich verwunden, um dich zu heilen.
ich werde dich erniedrigen, um dich zu erheben.
ich werde dich leiden lassen, um dich zu lieben.

I will destroy you in order to create you.
I will bind you in order to free you.
I will wound you in order to heal you.
I will humiliate you in order to raise you up.
I will make you suffer in order to love you.

Courtesy of ulli Roussel

You've got to love SL at times.

I moved house...as in: my last plot was lovely but it was in the middle of a sim and it wasn't green land which I actually wanted. So to give myself something to do I searched for and found a gorgeous corner plot of green land. Added to which the sim doesn't have any others attached so I have two sides of uninterrupted water view, one side is still empty and only one side with a neighbour with different taste to me - I'm busy building / terraforming to "hide" his house a little.

So a pleasant few hours spent pottering about and learning how to terraform and I now have a river (which isn't square anymore) and two ponds. I even have something which vaguely resembles a ridge and a hill. Poppy is proud of herself. Hardly going to open a business in terraforming now, but for my little slice of sl, I am gooood!

I had already emptied half of my inv onto the land and thought that I would tp up to my house to move stuff to where I wanted to actually have it (you just can't find good old fashioned movers these days it seems - they don't even pack your things properly) and saw this:




WTF???

I knew that the economy was bad at the moment, but...where's my fekking house???

Send a SMS for free from SL

Oooh...Auntie Poppy is good to you all!

Whilst I was busy working today (*chokes) I was surfing the web a little - purely for rl research purposes of course - and stumbled completely coincidentally an article which told about rl / sl collaborations.

Swisscom is involved in a project with some others and as part of the promo have organised some kind of freaky system which allows you to send a SMS from inside SL!

They're giving away 50,000 for free. No idea how many are left open, am going to try myself in a minute.

Here are the instructions:

Simply go to the telephone booth and type: /8 followed by the mobile phone number of your friend and then the message. Example:/8 0015551234567 Hi Joe! I'm in SL. Join me! Bob
Don't forget your country code (001 for US, 0041 for Switzerland etc).

Another thing that they do is that you can buy your loved one a bunch of flowers in sl (they have a few different ideas in their gift shop). Give them to her and then she can access the website and put in her rl address and then will receive it in rl too! How fekking cool is that??? And no need to worry about privacy if you're concerned about sharing your details.

I was so impressed at the idea.

Of course, the prices are not quite what you're used to in SL.

Check the site for a slur or search in sl for "Starfruit" (the phone booth is on the east of the island)...or IM me in-world for a LM.

Happy sms sending ;)

(Fuck me...it really works!!!)

Thank you - Banj, Half and Master...

Can you actually believe that I had never looked at the word "vulnerability" and its related connotations with any positive light whatsoever.

And its been quite an enlightenment, thank you.

But...you all missed something:

Vulnerable ability. The ability to be vulnerable.

Which is a positive thing.

See? I AM learning.

I was going to write something intelligent...

...and possibly self-deprecatingly witty on the topic of vulnerability; specifically on my on-going battle with allowing myself to be and feel vulnerable.

And then I looked up the definition (as the "official" meaning of a word vs my emotional response always fascinates me) and I got to the thesaurus part...

...and got depressed.

Exposure, danger, weakness, assailability, destructibility and breakability.

I've just regressed 10 years again in regards coming to terms with thinking that vulnerability can be a positive and worthwhile exercise.

Hardly much positive attached to the word, is there?

There is one person who keeps showing me again and again that I'm safe to be vulnerable with them as none of the above applies, but its a hard lesson to learn and I still don't always really truly believe it.

I hope that they carry on, because after reading what I just did I'm less convinced than normal.

Germany Lost :((((((((((

Well, Germany lost to Spain.

I've already had 20,000 "congratulatory" emails, but that serves me right for having such a big mouth and I can live with it.

Mainly because....WE GOT FURTHER THAN YOU LOOOOOOOOOOSERS!

And Lehmann (our goal keeper)...now if I ever saw a reason for collar and leashes in real life, this is one classic example. A goal keeper...to me these two words mean that you keep your goddamned arse in the general vicinity of the fekking goal!!!!! The poor man is going to be slaughtered in the gutter press tomorrow. But hey..he gets paid enough and he was...scuse me French...he was a twat.

Shoulda attached his left ankle to the goddamn goal post. For some reason he seems to have thought that he was playing midfield or something. Idiot.

So, I'm retracting my application for joint German citizenship and will dust off my England t-shirt and flag for in 2 year's time.

Although Germany....3 (place in the World Cup), 2 (place in the European Cup)......1??? World Cup 2010!!!!

God...where will we all be then?

One thing that touched me though as I was busy teaching the Germans useful English swear words....one of my close friends and I chatted at half time....

Happiness is not constant. It happens in a blink of an eye. It doesn't continue blindly on a continuous basis throughout our lives. It happens in abstract moments.

So true.

In knowing this, we hopefully learn to appreciate the joy. Unfortunately it doesn't take away from the pain; but it gives understanding and reason to the pain. One does not negate the other; my joy does not become less because of hurt.

I hope to have this joy again. I hope that I don't have to wait 2 years. The pain will always be a part of it. And the pain could be a 1000 times worse; the joy always, always shines through brighter. I DO want the high again. The cost of this pain will never ever be high enough. The price is worth paying. I don't expect...I just quietly hope.

And the next match is in November...England vs Germany in the Berlin Olympia Stadium in November. I shall be there.

And either way, I get an "erfolgserlebnis". Rock on!!!