Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Do you ever...

....feel like you're disappearing?

I do. Only at times. And not all that often. But sometimes I have this feeling that if I were just to puff out of existence, then...well what then? Well, I guess I have this feeling that no-one would notice and that I wouldn't even maybe mind if that were the case. NOT think that this means that I lean towards suicidal feelings!!! It most certainly does not!

And I know of course in my head that I would be missed by quite a few.

Its not about either of those two issues. So no wide eyes and messages of great concern please!

One of the reasons that I decided to have this blog was so that I could write shite like this.

I often wonder if others think thoughts like this and have feelings similar to those I do. With all the mish mash of humanity out there, I surely cannot be alone. Its just that people never talk openly about this kind of thing I suppose. I'm not surprised really. Those who don't think this way must be horrified!

Hmmm....I don't profess to speak for anyone other than the voices in my head.

lol! Only joking! There's only one voice in my head and its firmly mine.

I have no clue if I'm a little loopy or perhaps I'm what many might term as "over-sensitive". Maybe I'm totally and utterly plain boring and you lot are just silly and never speak these kinds of things aloud and let me sit here thinking I'm a loon. A conspiracy perhaps!

*shrugs. I guess it doesn't really matter either way. I actually quite like the quirky thoughts that I have and the way that my mind works.

I'm going through a bit of this "poofing" phase at the moment. I feel unsocial and ready for Autumn. I want to be alone and quiet and introspective. With my teddy and a snuggle blanket and a pot of my favourite tea. On the other hand I pull away a little like this and I get sad if no-one notices.

To out myself even more...I bought a cat basket for myself in sl. I'm a little embarrassed about this on the one hand, on the other I couldn't give a toss what others think. As I post now, poppy is curled up in her basket all snug and warm and safe. And it helps to a large degree. Funny. I have her basket in a nice corner at The Boss' house. It's only for one and has a few sweet poses (cheeky, fun, quiet, sad). Its great for when I don't want to talk, as I can let him know how I feel just through the pose. Its a different way to how I normally communicate, but its good. Different, but good at certain times.

And even though he isn't here, it isn't just for communication with him. Its for *me*. I'm not turning nekko, but I like the fact that I can use it to "allow" myself to feel a little down or sad and for it to be ok in that moment. It never lasts forever but I'm always quite tough on myself when I'm feeling wobbly. My kitty basket "let's" me do that.

Not really related, but it just kind of occurred to me...I once was with someone and even though I can't exactly recall the exact circumstances I think that I had been a little insecure about something. It can happen a lot with me. I know this and I also mostly have a fair idea of what I need to make me feel safe and better. In this instance I told the other person that my head and my emotions seem to be at odds with one another at times and speak a different language to one another. I said that my head *knew* something but that my heart never *believed* it. And for me to maybe learn to bring these two together and really feel and believe that I was full of worth, I told him that maybe I need to be told these myself of course and also by others in my life. Particularly maybe those who are romantically involved in my life. His response? Even if he told me 1000 times, I still wouldn't believe him.

This relationship didn't last.

The Boss...he tells me..he keeps telling me. Maybe I won't believe him until the 2056th time. Maybe I'll learn and believe by the 873rd time. But he never stops. He doesn't stop believing in me and he doesn't stop holding on tight to me.

I really can't tell you what that means to me and how it makes me feel.

Maybe it is related to what I was writing about before. It makes me feel as if I'm real, that I exist. That it would matter if I wasn't there. It makes me feel safe and warm and protected, just like my kitty basket does. He doesn't cling or smoother, he's just there. And god am I grateful for that. He let's me be me, even with all my silly and funny and crazy thoughts. He even encourages me to be me. He likes me.

*smiles and posts and turns the light off and snuggles down to watch a Sex and the City re-run.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

We miss you Miss Poppins, come back, actually sl is down and its nice to see you writing on your blog again so I can get my SL fix while at work. But, you would be missed(no I don't have any drama I need you to listen to) and not by just the Boss lol. Enjoy your afk time and see you when you get back.