Thursday, 25 September 2008

A random bit of randomness

Well, the latest round of madness has passed at work and it seems that my head is a little more stable and less washy than it has been.

The Boss helps keep me sane as do a handful of other r and s life friends. I'm more grateful than I can say.

A few things that have occured to of the most touching things is that I've found that if I find the courage to talk to others about what's going on in my life, that they open up and talk more personally about themselves.

I know that we have certain social frameworks which we all use and possibly need in order to function with strangers, but I find myself being more and more turned off as a human by these.

It may be a possible reason as to why I can't bear to be with people who I don't know all that well at the moment. This shallow and fake "how are you?" that seems to greet me at every available meeting sets my teeth on edge. The temptation to actually tell the truth and then get the other person to sit down and actually really tell me how they are is becoming increasingly overwhelming.

Plus it would also be quite a humourous (albeit possibly quite sick) situation to actually not give the standard "I'm fine, and you?" reply and actually answer with a serene smile "How nice of you to ask and be concerned. Actually my latest depressive episode is taking a lot longer to get passed than I had hoped, but I DO feel a lot better generally speaking. Although I'm not sure if its me or the tablets to be honest. I find the German healthcare system ridiculously frustrating and I'm thankful that I'm a difficult bitch and insistant and engaged otherwise I might have been locked up by now (not joking) and I wonder how others who are unable to help themselves manage to get any help. The skin problem that I had diagnosed has no proper cure and I am only helping to god that it isn't going to get worse. Ummm...oh yes, the 20% pay cut that my boss wants me to accept as of January is unacceptable and so I have now decided to get another job although to be honest I'm petrified, but I have to just get on with it. The positive in my life revolves around a select few people who I worry about burdening and making them impatient and fed up with me so I bite my tongue and don't let as much out as I would like or possibly need. I'm loved and cared for by some, some who have surprised me so pleasantly and are my hold. Now sit down and have a coffee with me and tell me how you really are..."

It links in nicely to a thought that's been going through my head for a few weeks. A friend of mine from sl who I don't actually really see all that often and IM with now and again just kind of let drop that he had been reading my blog. It kinda shocked me. There are a few close people who I know read my blog and anyone there actually anyone else who reads it? I haven't been out and about in sl chatting for the last few months and so I kind of forget that someone may pop open my profile and see that I have a blog. God....what a thought. All my thoughts and "problems"....oh I cringe. But....I wanted this human feeling in me to be let out and so I shall stick at it. I have to really start to learn not to worry about possible negative things that people think of me. Especially from people who don't know me. And anyway...why should they necessarily be negative?


Anyway, I'm trying it gently in my real life too....I'm starting to approach people on a more emotional and human level when I meet them and to hell with these stupid fucking social conventions. Ok, I DO draw the line at not freaking people out as above ;)

So.....if you are new and just browsing....hi, how are you? And I REALLY mean it. :) Welcome to my madness, the water is warm so spring right in. And please...give someone a genuine and warm smile today. Someone who you don't know. And in the hope that one day they will feel then inclined to smile to another stranger and make them feel good in turn. Perhaps one day your smile will work its way to me.

I promise to do the same for you when out and about tomorrow.

1 comment:

Banjac Serevi said...

Hi stranger (my fault, not yours)
Nice post...starts off a bit frantic but ends quite serenely. I reckon that bodes well - sure hope so.
We must compare rashes