Tuesday, 29 April 2008

I lied...

...there has been one thought that's been going through my head...

I was very insecure over the weekend. And I still am feeling quite wobbly actually.

The Boss went away. At less-than-short notice. He's one of these people who works his arse off in all areas and needed a break. Which is more than fair enough.

Even though there was nothing that I had done "wrong", I felt....oh fuck it, yes, ok...I felt abandoned. And that made me feel awful which is why I got stuck in this mindless spiral of doubt and insecurity.

Much as he sent the odd email to let me know that he was thinking of me, I still just...I guess I kinda crashed in my own head in a way.

When he came back it was lovely to see him, but I felt as if he was very far away. As if I needed some time to find him again. God, I mean he only went away for a few days, I know. And he stayed in contact. Yes, I know this!

Emotions are just that, emotions. Not rational bloody thinking!

One thing that he said when he came back was that I shouldn't (and have no need) to feel insecure, especially as its one of those things that makes me feel bad. And that's never the goal in anything that I do.

But...it got me thinking. Insecurity. You know me, I always find a definition to link to in cases like these. But here, I couldn't find one that suited. It was all blah-blah. Made anyone who suffers from insecurity sound like a bunny-boiling freak. No. That's bullshit.

Insecurity. The opposite of feeling secure. That's a valid feeling. Surely? I think that it can be. I hate the way that insecurity is bandied about like a rude word. If I'm insecure then the onus is on me.

But why? Why is the onus not on the person who is making me (in this case) feel that way?

Ok, yes...sure. I have a responsibility to myself. I know this. And I know that its also my job to try and control the silly thoughts which can come as a result. Of course.

But after all that has been taken into account, is it not ALSO (not only, also) the responsibility of the other person, especially the person who puts such a lot of effort normally into making you feel secure? In some, not all aspects, of course. Most of the general confidence and sense of security has to come from within, its not wholly another's job to do.

This little "game" that we play. Or that some of us play. In this case its D/s, but in my mind it applies to any relationship, as there's always an exchange of emotional responsibility. But specifically in this game that we play, security is a big issue.

I (and this by no means means everyone) need a large degree of feeling secure in order to deal with being so vulnerable in other aspects. Dependency and needfulness are actively encouraged to a greater or lesser degree. And no, I ain't some stupid, spineless person who wants someone else to take responsibility for me or make choices for me etc. I can stand back and see it for what it is.

But you see...I have this love / hate relationship with these aspects. I'm strong, I'm in control. I am responsible for myself and I care a great deal about myself. But I also know that I crave this feeling of being looked after sometimes. In a very basic way. I can't *do* vulnerability in so-called normal circumstances very well. But its a large part of me and I want to be vulnerable at times. I need it. In rl....I can be quite a hard nut. And I'd like that to change. I want to become softer, more gentle.

But life taught me other lessons. I won't go into any silly sob stories (especially after seeing what's going on in a certain town in Austria at the moment, it would be too trite), but my emotional make-up in these aspects was set when I was a teenager. I've spent my whole adult life up until now behaving or reacting based on those patterns which I learned then. They don't and shouldn't apply anymore. But they are part of me now and a habit. Its hard to break them. However much I want to, it will take a long time.

So all this leads to a certain level of....need. And I choose to deal with it in one particular way.

Maybe not the world's most clever or rational way to deal with it..but hey! Its sexy as hell too!

Its my shit, I'll deal with it how I prefer.

The thing is though. When someone calls you insecure it sounds like an accusation. I can't control my thoughts or feelings. I'm being the active one in making myself feel like crap. And of course...I can't argue against that can I? Because I would still be being insecure.

In fact, do you know what I think? I think that if someone feels insecure, its a valid feeling. Firstly, it shouldn't matter if I'm a stupid, emotionally unintelligent idiot or not - if I feel bad and you care about me, then you take time to address that.

And then...then you look to yourself and you ask yourself...this person felt secure with me and now they don't. What happened for that to change? What part did I play in that? And how can I help to soothe them?

I think that telling someone that they are insecure...its quite a hurtful thing actually. I know that I can be in certain situations. And I know, with me, that I have areas where it happens more. That there are emotional triggers for it. I do my best to deal with my part of it. The other person needs to then work with me on that too.

Because if they don't...then they're right - its not a nice feeling and it needs to stop. And the easiest way for it to stop is to remove oneself from the situation where it happened. But that would be running away and I'm trying to grow out of that habit too.

Catch 22 it seems.

But please people. If someone's being insecure...they know this mostly. No need to "reinforce bad behaviour"...but a hug and some time goes a long way.


Banjac Serevi said...

Ahhhh, you are back, brain in gear, up for a fight, good girl!!!!
I never thought you were insecure, no ma'am not a bit. Stroppy springs to mind....mad maybe....a great read...always.
Welcome home....smiles..

God help that mob you think are going to riot near you. Are they safe with only a few hundred riot police to protect them????!!!

Banj (and my Boss says guten abend as well I am sure...)

Anonymous said...

Half Short has been in and out of hospital with her eldest son... she is too tired to even start to comprehend this many words put together in this post...
But according to the short message my sweet Banjac left, i read you are doing much better. Very happy you are back!

(HS needs the readers digest version right now... grin)

xx HS