Sunday, 18 May 2008

Feel the fear and do it anyway

Mistakes can happen. Which isn't to say that we don't go out of our way to avoid them - most of us anyway.

I'm no perfectionist, but I'm like most and hate myself when I make a mistake.

I look forward and desperately search for the right way, but sometimes you just can't tell if something is going to be a mistake until you've taken that step. And then of course, its too late to take your foot back.

The fear then makes me stumble around, hopping from one foot to another in the indecisive hope that something will make the problem go away. In the past its even possible that I just backtrack and disappear.

Sorry, I like the status quo and I hate change.

This has never stayed in my way of moving forward for very long, but those moments where I stand still and contemplate that step is an excruciating moment. I look at every potential fall, examine them minutely, think of so much that I end up almost paralysed. My head clouds over and I can't think so straight anymore and wish to god that the panic would go away. Which is normally why I bugger off out the particular situation.

This time...I ended up in a situation where I was so scared - of hurting others, of losing what I want very much. I tried so hard to take the burden onto my own shoulders and carry it and deal with it until some kind of other solution materialised. But I don't have a definitive answer and I was struggling so hard.

I may be many not-so-good things, god knows I ain't perfect. But deliberately deceitful or hurtful I am not. I will go so far to try and protect those that I love from pain. But it got to the stage where I couldn't cope any more on my own.

Honesty isn't always the best way in ALL situations - it can be very hurtful and we live our lives more comfortably on a cushion of soft white lies. But sometimes, honesty really is the best policy. You have to give others the full picture so that they can have that self-respect and are able to make decisions for themselves based on what's really going on. And sometimes it can be the scariest thing - those decisions may then affect you and turn in a direction that you don't want. Which is why most people then lie. We most often do it to protect our own interests.

I took the step of being open and honest and I am still worried a little about the consequences - I smell change in the air at a time when I am actually very happy. It makes my blood rush with excitement and it also makes me feel nervous and skittish.

But I will not worry about that for the moment. For the time being I am proud of myself for being brave and open. The respect and admiration that I have for some has only grown.

To be in a relationship, if *only* SL where the other demonstrates that they are truly interested in your happiness and that they care about you, even from miles away, is deeply touching and is a mind set that I strive for generally. I have yet to fully manage to put all my insecurities to one side to be able to offer that back at all times, but I'm also learning.

I have a wonderful teacher.

Outside of my normal, close circle of friends who are so sweet and supportive of me all the time, I have two people who are aware of what they can and can't offer me and who I hope will work hard to allow me time and space to work things out for myself, all the while quietly holding my hand and reassuring me and telling me that its ok.

It makes me feel very humble and grateful that I have you both in my life, in whatever context.

You are also helping me in more ways than you know - by being who you are, you're helping me to regain my sense of trust in myself...that I really can respect myself, be vulnerable and ask for help and that it will be forthcoming.

That I am someone who others think a lot of and care about may even be the start of me being able to truly believe and see that in myself.

Its about time really, don't you think?

1 comment:

Banjac Serevi said...

Hi Doughnut

08.49 and I am bored already and it is only Monday... So thought I would see if you had put finger to keyboard....(about time I might add...sniffs).
As ever such an open note. You never cease to amaze me with the way you can articulate such deep feelings.

As to the last paragraph - which I will repeat:
"That I am someone who others think a lot of and care about may even be the start of me being able to truly believe and see that in myself."
Do not ever doubt that. You lay yourself open and communicate so vividly that surely only the most heartless would not queue to be there for you.
So, to answer your question, Yes i do think....go for it...believe...but don't lose the edge..