I lied...

...there has been one thought that's been going through my head...

I was very insecure over the weekend. And I still am feeling quite wobbly actually.

The Boss went away. At less-than-short notice. He's one of these people who works his arse off in all areas and needed a break. Which is more than fair enough.

Even though there was nothing that I had done "wrong", I felt....oh fuck it, yes, ok...I felt abandoned. And that made me feel awful which is why I got stuck in this mindless spiral of doubt and insecurity.

Much as he sent the odd email to let me know that he was thinking of me, I still just...I guess I kinda crashed in my own head in a way.

When he came back it was lovely to see him, but I felt as if he was very far away. As if I needed some time to find him again. God, I mean he only went away for a few days, I know. And he stayed in contact. Yes, I know this!

Emotions are just that, emotions. Not rational bloody thinking!

One thing that he said when he came back was that I shouldn't (and have no need) to feel insecure, especially as its one of those things that makes me feel bad. And that's never the goal in anything that I do.

But...it got me thinking. Insecurity. You know me, I always find a definition to link to in cases like these. But here, I couldn't find one that suited. It was all blah-blah. Made anyone who suffers from insecurity sound like a bunny-boiling freak. No. That's bullshit.

Insecurity. The opposite of feeling secure. That's a valid feeling. Surely? I think that it can be. I hate the way that insecurity is bandied about like a rude word. If I'm insecure then the onus is on me.

But why? Why is the onus not on the person who is making me (in this case) feel that way?

Ok, yes...sure. I have a responsibility to myself. I know this. And I know that its also my job to try and control the silly thoughts which can come as a result. Of course.

But after all that has been taken into account, is it not ALSO (not only, also) the responsibility of the other person, especially the person who puts such a lot of effort normally into making you feel secure? In some, not all aspects, of course. Most of the general confidence and sense of security has to come from within, its not wholly another's job to do.

This little "game" that we play. Or that some of us play. In this case its D/s, but in my mind it applies to any relationship, as there's always an exchange of emotional responsibility. But specifically in this game that we play, security is a big issue.

I (and this by no means means everyone) need a large degree of feeling secure in order to deal with being so vulnerable in other aspects. Dependency and needfulness are actively encouraged to a greater or lesser degree. And no, I ain't some stupid, spineless person who wants someone else to take responsibility for me or make choices for me etc. I can stand back and see it for what it is.

But you see...I have this love / hate relationship with these aspects. I'm strong, I'm in control. I am responsible for myself and I care a great deal about myself. But I also know that I crave this feeling of being looked after sometimes. In a very basic way. I can't *do* vulnerability in so-called normal circumstances very well. But its a large part of me and I want to be vulnerable at times. I need it. In rl....I can be quite a hard nut. And I'd like that to change. I want to become softer, more gentle.

But life taught me other lessons. I won't go into any silly sob stories (especially after seeing what's going on in a certain town in Austria at the moment, it would be too trite), but my emotional make-up in these aspects was set when I was a teenager. I've spent my whole adult life up until now behaving or reacting based on those patterns which I learned then. They don't and shouldn't apply anymore. But they are part of me now and a habit. Its hard to break them. However much I want to, it will take a long time.

So all this leads to a certain level of....need. And I choose to deal with it in one particular way.

Maybe not the world's most clever or rational way to deal with it..but hey! Its sexy as hell too!

Its my shit, I'll deal with it how I prefer.

The thing is though. When someone calls you insecure it sounds like an accusation. I can't control my thoughts or feelings. I'm being the active one in making myself feel like crap. And of course...I can't argue against that can I? Because I would still be being insecure.

In fact, do you know what I think? I think that if someone feels insecure, its a valid feeling. Firstly, it shouldn't matter if I'm a stupid, emotionally unintelligent idiot or not - if I feel bad and you care about me, then you take time to address that.

And then...then you look to yourself and you ask yourself...this person felt secure with me and now they don't. What happened for that to change? What part did I play in that? And how can I help to soothe them?

I think that telling someone that they are insecure...its quite a hurtful thing actually. I know that I can be in certain situations. And I know, with me, that I have areas where it happens more. That there are emotional triggers for it. I do my best to deal with my part of it. The other person needs to then work with me on that too.

Because if they don't...then they're right - its not a nice feeling and it needs to stop. And the easiest way for it to stop is to remove oneself from the situation where it happened. But that would be running away and I'm trying to grow out of that habit too.

Catch 22 it seems.

But please people. If someone's being insecure...they know this mostly. No need to "reinforce bad behaviour"...but a hug and some time goes a long way.

Playing catch-up

Gargh...its hectic at the moment and I'm really missing the time that I normally take just to think. I think a lot normally. I mean, I know that we all think, course we do. But I kind of..well, deliberately think. I enjoy spending time...thinking.

My day is sometimes even based around just thinking. I normally end up later than I would like for work as I almost always drift off into my thoughts whilst in the shower. The train ride to work is used for either sleeping (dependant on how little I got whilst in bed - I sleep very well, just never long enough it seems..always more important things to be doing) or reading (which I love to do, but again, I have less time for that these days it seems).

Then work - I time my odd ciggie breaks (eeurgh, yes, she smokes! Oh shock, oh horror! Sod off) so that no-one else is there so that I can think. But that and my walks or rides from the station to wherever I'm going are taken up by thinking about practical boring stuff at the moment. Work is hectic as one of my projects hits next week (off to Prague for two and a half days, of course with no chance to really take a look around) and then I had this live SL demo last night.

Which went exceptionally well by the way! Yes! I was so impressed with myself! I love to talk, but I hadn't done any public speaking for years. To be honest, I had no idea how many people would show...15, 2o or so I thought. But no...almost 50 were there! And what should have been a 2 hour long demo and Q & A session, turned into 3 and a half. And would have been longer if we weren't chucked out! Was a lot of fun and I felt happy and confident as I was doing something that I know a lot about...very calm.

And I got paid for it at the end. Wonderful stuff.

But all this means that I haven't had time to ponder recently. Let alone keep up-to-date with my friends. And without these two things, I have less to write about.

But hopefully more after next week.

This week...gorgeous weather here in Berlin. We have a Bank Holiday on Thursday and of course its scheduled to rain. No big matter however as I'll most likely have to work anyways.

Tomorrow night will be interesting where I live. I'm 1 block away from a very well-loved square which gets used a lot by drunken teenies from outside of Berlin who come and practise missile-throwing at the Police. Always a riot...in that exact sense! To be fair, its been improving each year. But either way, if you're a local, you make sure that you're home and tucked up in your flat by 21:00 and that you don't need to leave.

And you don't leave your car parked outside. Its likely to be a burnt wreck the next morning.

Its a shame that the real 1st May demos have disintegrated into a mindless drunken shambles with people who have no idea what its all about.

Never mind, I live on the 3rd floor...and get a great view of the 100os of riot-clad police and their helicopters.

And its something to do if SL goes down too.

*starts to gather a pile of cobble stones and places them in a neat heap on her windowsill.

What are friends for?

Endov Rhode says: we are FUCKED
Endov Rhode says: baby we really do need each other as a reality check
poppyweston says: What good are you?
poppyweston says: You're just as bad as me!!!
Endov Rhode says: haha
poppyweston says: we've lost our rythm
Endov Rhode says: oh, gee, you are right
poppyweston says: normally we're on opposite ends of the scale and keep the other balanced
Endov Rhode says: true, but just now
poppyweston says: we're both in the pit of the deep shitty hole, great
Endov Rhode says: i thought of you and felt a tad better
poppyweston says: marvellous
Endov Rhode says: yes, its great that you are there with me
poppyweston says: you stink of shit
poppyweston says: go take a shower
Endov Rhode says: we can throw turds at each other
poppyweston says: yes
poppyweston says: turd wrestling
Endov Rhode says: mmmm
Endov Rhode says: i am seeing to many upsides
poppyweston says: turds have an upside?

What the hell do I think that I'm doing...?

I'm wondering this a lot the last few days.

Is it worth it? I'm wondering that a lot too. How far do you go before you lose your self-respect? And how short do you hold it without over-reacting?

I don't know.

And the one person who I would normally talk to about this isn't here. I don't know where my friend is or when they'll be back. I don't know if anything is my fault, or if it has nothing at all to do with me.

More to the point, how do you stop yourself from writing 1001 emails in the space of 10 hours like you would really like to???

You write obscure shit in your blog, is what you do. And you avoid alcohol. You try and keep busy and slap your wrist every time you go to check your emails. You clean the flat and you work. And you meet with friends and try not to stare into the middle distance too much just in case they realise that you're not really paying attention.

And you listen to Amy Winehouse - coz it's great music and you know that it can never get as bad as the car crash that is her life at the moment.

Twinity

Twinity - have you guys heard of it?

I hadn't, not until today.

Background: I'm a member of Xing - the German, soon-to-be-European version of LinkedIn (and sooo much better!) and am involved in a few groups.

Not very "Poppy-like" in some aspects I guess, but what you lot don't know about me is that I'm actually quite involved in SL in other aspects rather than just as Poppy (yes, yes....here comes the Alt thing again).

So...Xing have several forums in regards SL and I keep an eye on them all. Two weeks ago I went to an in-world meeting and was...well...hmmm... Opinionated. *grins...doesn't matter what avatar I use, some things never change I guess!

Anyway....result of this was that I was invited to become a co-moderator of one of the groups and join in the general discussion. Bit of a pain in the arse time-wise as I have a lot on at the mo, but a great compliment.

So today....I was just scanning the SL forums as there are a couple...and hit a post about Twinity. Its in Beta and looks like it could be interesting. I've been to There.com before. SL was down and I was desperate, what can I say? Oh my god...yawn!!!

Anyway...I've applied for the Twinity beta grid. Its still closed and through application only. I'm NOT a techie, but...who knows.

Anyways, we shall wait and see if I get let in. I contacted the person in Xing who works for the company and so I shall stalk him if I don't!

And the interesting stuff with this company is...not only did they win a round of venture funding a few weeks back (so someone's taking them seriously), but....

The company is based in Berlin!

And they're looking for staff!!!!!

*nearly faints in joy

Well, ok...a bit of calmness is maybe needed as all their open positions are for techie jobs...but fuck it! I'm me...in rl or in sl I'm still me...and that means that I'm a cheeky pain in the arse.

So...not only did I contact this guy about the Beta grid, but also...well...I kinda asked him if they have any other jobs going. I don't care if I started out being the one who writes letters and makes the coffee!

And I've been invited to send my CV in.

Ok...hardly a job of the year offer...yet! But I'm proud of myself for even trying. And they shall be getting my CV in the next few days.

Mad as it is...it would be my dream company to work for. Can you imagine getting paid for this shit???

We shall see...most likely I shall get a polite letter back and my CV will, at best, go on file. I have NO experience in what they seem to be looking for.

But you never know until you try. And I shall be proud of myself that I tried.

And failing everything else...stalking could be the way to go.

I WILL be back!

I haven't lost interest in writing, nor have I disappeared. I just have a lot going on this week again and so its hard to find the time to sit and write something half way interesting.

Maybe I'll have a little time tomorrow evening to post a little of what I'm up to, but I'll be back at the weekend or else at the start of next week at the latest - promise! Don't give up checking my blog for any more random wafflings and opinions. Please!

As a little taster - I'm busy working on a presentation at the mo...on SL!!! LOL!

And I'm getting paid for it!

LMAO!

So...work, sorting the madness that will be my presentation out and grabbing the tiniest amount of time here and there with The Boss (who has been madly busy working) whilst swapping a few very short IMs with friends...its all adding up to not having any time to write. Oh God, and I have a few emails in my inbox which I REALLY have to answer too! One of them in 4 weeks old and I have to reply!

So much to do and so little time!

Don't give up on me though...please!

*blows kisses all round

/me lives!

Yes, I made it through - not broke and I didn't end up in Siberia.

Great party, but as always there's never enough time to speak to everyone properly which is a shame. But still, great to catch up.

I had to giggle hard though...

Do you remember? Way way way back when you were a....*coughs...a noob (bleurgh, but yes, we all were at some point, although none that I know walked round with prim cocks asking strangers if they wanted a fuck - and that's just the women). And do you remember these things...money trees? Where if you are less than 30 days old, you can go round and pick money off of the trees.

I remember finding out about them within my first few days in SL and going around. Problem was was that I hadn't yet gotten the hang of HOW to pick the money up. Idiot! The friend that I made and who I was travelling around with got sick of me moaning and being stupid and picked off as much as he could and then transferred it to me instead. Sometimes it IS useful being a helpless woman.

Through my search for money trees (there used to be a notecard with the slurls) I found SFH: Support for Healing. Its a great sim and has been designed by Luna Bliss (of Bliss Gardens fame) and I ended up making it my home for a long time. Before the days when I had a house or land. Then came the point when I brought in my own money and one thing that I would always then do was deposit a chunk of money at the tree for the noobs who came after me.

And it seems that my "good deed" (which I still do by the way, every month I leave money there) has paid off. For my birthday I got my very own money tree! And in €, not L$!

The Germans have this lovely tradition that when you give money as a present, that you fold it in the form of flowers or the wings of a butterfly and attach it to a plant.

And so...my very own, rl money tree!

And yes...I'm older than 30 days. 30 years in fact, but hey...sl time is like dog years like that ;P